IELEV8

Signs. When your heart is open, you will find them all around you. 

Eleven years ago today I laid on my husband’s chest and listened to his heartbeat for the last time, while pledging to cherish and honor him for the rest of my life. I promised him I would take care of our beautiful children and ensure that they never forget how amazing he was. I said goodbye to my husband and then I went home and told our children that their daddy wasn’t ever coming home, yet we would hold him forever in our hearts. I will never forget the anguish I felt as I delivered that devastating news and consoled them as they processed it. Eleven years somehow seems so much longer ago and so much heavier than ten. You’d think the brutal ache of losing him would soften as the years pass, but the truth is, with each milestone, I feel further away from him; a painful reality that, oftentimes, is quite unbearable.  And each year, as September makes way for October, the weight of the loss begins to push down on me once again and I feel a looming sense of anxiety.

Meanwhile, the days march on. We go through the motions and I try to acknowledge the waves of grief as they roll in and out, while also cherishing the day to day joys that we have together. This year more than any before, I am trying to soak up every last bit of our moments together as a family. With two seniors in our house, that sense of savoring all of the “lasts” is ever present. We’ve already made it through some monumental lasts, like the last first day of school and the last homecoming and we are now quickly approaching the last volleyball match and last football games for our seniors. It’s remarkable how feelings of pride, joy and delight can commingle so intricately with nostalgia, uncertainty, and even sadness. I have this quiet heartache that is impossible to ignore, while simultaneously trying to relish the moments that fill my heart with tremendous pride. 

Meanwhile, the days march on. And as time inches closer to the day that I’ll hug Cooper and send him on his way to his next adventure, I’ve found myself often reflecting on my parenting, his childhood and his high school experience. 

Cooper has always been an incredibly talented athlete who garnered quite a bit of attention as a young boy whenever he stepped onto the football field, basketball court, or baseball field. Although he has always been one of the smaller boys out there, Cooper’s grit, tenacity and perseverance are rivaled only by his passion. His heart is that of a giant. In all of these ways, he is remarkably similar to his dad. Yet, his high school athletic career has probably not turned out the way he imagined it would when he was a young boy.  He had some incredibly bad luck, suffering two freak injuries which caused him to spend most of his sophomore year of football and half of his junior year of basketball on the sidelines. That, coupled with being a physically late bloomer, required an immense amount of mental strength, of which Cooper has an abundance. However, those were still disappointing and challenging obstacles and admittedly, as any parent does when they watch their child endure injuries or heartache, I grieved a little alongside him. However, I continued to pray that Cooper would one day have his chance to shine, telling him to be humble, patient, and persistent and to continue to work hard, just like he always has. “One day, your time will come,” I would tell him. 

A few weeks ago, with just two games remaining in the regular football season, that opportunity finally arrived, just like I’d hoped and prayed for. However, what I didn’t know was that it would be a moment that was so much bigger than I ever imagined. 

It was the homecoming game for Whitefish Bay High School, one of Nicolet’s biggest rivals. Cooper had an absolutely incredible game, starting with the second play of Nicolet’s first possession. My lucky #13 had a huge reception in the end zone to put the Knights up 7-0. It was his first varsity touchdown and it was so incredible that it made the highlight reel on the evening news. My mama heart was full. He’d get to finish high school with some points on the board. 

The Knights and Blue Dukes battled it out back and forth throughout the first and second half, but as the fourth quarter began, it wasn’t looking good for the Nicolet Knights. They were down 28-14 with just over nine minutes left in the game. And then it happened. Blaring from the loud speakers was a familiar song, one that I rarely hear, but it gives me goosebumps every time I do. This song played in the hospital room just after I learned that Mark had suffered a complete brain death. “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier, I got soul, but I’m not a soldier…”  The song was speaking to me then, guiding me through one of the most difficult moments of my life, and it was speaking to me now, letting me know that something remarkable was going to happen tonight. It was synchronicity. I felt it deep inside of me. As the music began filling up the cracks of my heart, I received a text from a dear friend who was also at the game, sitting in another section.

“MARK.” That was it. His name in capital letters. She knew it too. 💗 

The final minutes of the game consisted of two more beautiful touchdown passes thrown by our quarterback to two different senior receivers, followed by the game winning catch, a two point conversion pass to Cooper to put the team up 29-28!! In the end, an interception by another senior sealed the deal and finalized the win. So many different kids had their moments to shine in that game while their proud parents jumped up and down, cheering them on from the stands above. When the game ended and the students rushed the field, tears filled my eyes and my heart was so full, absolutely certain that Mark was there cheering too. I had an epic embrace with Cooper on the field right after the game. It was a hug like no other, a moment full of sheer joy and intoxicating love, because for a split second I really felt like Mark’s arms were around us too. 

That night, I received a text from a sweet friend telling me that she had prayed for Cooper throughout that week. She had heard some of the kids in the opponent’s student section the previous week chanting, “He’s too little,” during some of his plays. She said she prayed for his heart and his ego, asking God to show the world just how BIG Cooper’s heart is. Her message continued “This week, I swear I heard a voice say, ‘Who’s too little???’” She concluded, “Cooper has a big, big story. Last night was so much bigger than football. I know you know that.” Thank you, friend. Yes, I sure do. 

I suppose it should come as no surprise that Cooper’s second high school football touchdown the following week on senior night was a 67 yard touchdown just after the ball was placed on the 33 yard line. There is no doubt Mark was there watching too. 

While the days and moments that fill all of my Octobers will always carry the weight of the loss of Mark, I am so grateful for these small but glorious reminders from God that if our hearts are open to it, our lives will also forever be engulfed by his enduring presence and everlasting love.