IELEV8

Dear Mark, 

You’d be 51 years old today and we celebrated you as we always do, with a trip to the beach that you once loved and floating messages that rise up to heaven. This beautiful spot is home to so many warm memories of you. I recall fondly how when we lived nearby we’d walk there with our little ones, look out across the lake, pretending it was the ocean, and talk about our plans for the future. “One day, we are going to live on the water,” you’d say. Visiting here now is bittersweet. This beach is a guardian of our sweet memories, yet also reminds me of your life unlived and dreams unfulfilled.  

Our family has more than doubled in size since we lost you and yet we will forever hold space in our hearts for the life that you and I built and the memories we shared together as a family of five. I’ve only got one more year with our three little birds under one roof in this home that you and I made for them, so I’ve been reflecting a lot on what kind of parent I’ve been and what kind of people I’ve raised. I sure am blessed to have started this journey of parenthood with you and to continue it now, with David, both remarkable fathers. I wonder often how you’d handle a parenting situation that I’m pondering or what you’d say in a challenging moment. I’d give anything for you to see our kids doing their thing and achieving their goals. Oh, how your eyes would sparkle when you watched them. 

While it’s been almost eleven years without you, missing you never gets easier. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and wish you could be here.  It’s tricky moving forward each day, while also always quietly wondering what life would be like if you were still here. But the truth is, I have no idea what it would be like. We’ve commemorated eleven of your birthdays without you. We’ve celebrated forty-four of our own birthdays since you’ve left this earth. We’ve all grown older and you’re still forty years old in our minds and hearts. As the days and months and years march on, we’ll always honor you. On your birthdays and every other day too. Oh Mark, the loss of you is immeasurable but so is the love that you’ve left behind. We all love you more than words. And I’ll forever hope that I’m making you proud. 💗

What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.      ~Helen Keller