After a few months of glowing stories about Mark, a friend of mine asked me, “Seriously, Erin, did your husband ever do anything annoying?” I laughed. Of course he did. And so do I. Our relationship was far from perfect and I do not pretend that it was. We worked hard at it. Sometimes he made me crazy and I am certain there were so many times that I made him want to pull his hair out. One of his students said that she was the reason for a lot of his gray hairs…but I am pretty sure I was the cause of most of those.
I bought this little dish for Mark for our 10th anniversary and I never got to give it to him. I found it randomly a few months before our anniversary and it practically jumped off the shelf at me. I think it cost under $10 but the sentiment has special meaning to me because these were words that I said to him when we said our vows on Playa Paraiso in Mexico. The funny thing is, this gift came with a tiny ulterior motive. I thought it would be a nice place for him to place his wedding ring and first anniversary bracelet which he normally took off everyday after work and left on the kitchen counter. Maybe if he had a place for them, he wouldn’t leave them laying around in the kitchen. 😉
To say I miss Mark is the understatement of the century. I miss everything about him. Even the tiny little things that might have made me crazy once in a while. At times, my mind is still having trouble wrapping itself around the fact that he is gone. I think a part of me will always still be waiting for him…Maybe one day we’ll find the place where we can be together again. Until then, I will be missing him and the way his heart understood me and simply made me feel right at home.
IELEV8 
Erin, your writing is so elequent. I kept a journal after my first husband died. It was extremely healing. You and you family continue to be in my prayers. You are strong and you will continue to move on. Mark will always be in your heart.
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Parts of what you share is a bit how I felt when my husband left me. He’s still alive, but he walked out. Our stories are different and I do not intend to compare and contrast, only to share that I was not ready for the loss I experienced, which was coupled with grief (as is yours) and other emotions as well. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a husband to death, but I do know the ache of wanting him back and misery of not having him next to me at night. x o x o x o
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Hi Andrea, Thank you for sharing you story. You are absolutely right! There are so many types of loss and with all loss, comes grief. Although I have never experienced what you have, the human experience is similar in that the rug was pulled out from under you. You were not expecting it and that makes your experience so terribly difficult. I am so sorry that you had to endure the tremendous grief of being hurt so deeply by someone you loved. I am not sure how long ago this happened in your life, but I hope that as the days have passed, you are finding more and more ways to cope with your sorrow. I’ve learned that although they say “time heals,” in reality it doesn’t. Instead, with time I have learned how to deal with my sadness and grief and to allow the light to creep into the holes of my heart. I have gained the strength to move on and accept my new path and the realization that my grief has changed me. I have hope that the loss of Mark has shaped me into a kinder, more understanding person who reflects more, gives more, appreciates more and above all, loves more. May your grief do the same for you. Sending you love and light.
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